Margarita Hour

In 2 days I will turn 20. I feel like the jump from 19 to 20 sounds extreme but honestly I feel ready. 19 felt like such an uncomfortable age. I feel like 19 has an underlying pressure under it. It is about the time people are expected to take life seriously but also go out and try to find new experiences at the same time. 19 feels like being expected to be an adult but also not knowing what that means personally. As soon as you turn 18 you are an adult but that comes with way more than voting rights. There is career, housing, social life, saving money, and in all of this finding yourself. I know that the phrase “finding yourself” is cliche but you don’t get the truth behind it until you are already in the middle of the scavenger hunt. I feel at times very disconnected from the person I was even at 17. Part of me wants to go back because it was so authentic but learning things through growing older makes it impossible to be that version of myself again. So now at 19 you want to have that maturity but also feel like yourself. I have always had a structure in my brain of how to act, how to look, how to achieve, and how to adapt to others. Every flaw that I notice about myself I immediately think how to fix it, but 19 it feels like I ripped out that recipe in my book and am starting from scratch. I don’t get as attached to people (except my close friends) as I used to. I don’t want the same things that I used to. While trying to figure out myself now I don’t know how to put myself together like I used to. I feel like a foreign person to myself and sometimes feel robotic. I try to go through the motions like I used to but it doesn’t feel right. Honestly looking back on this year it has felt like 10 lifetimes. This year was long but also really confusing. I think for a long part of it I focused on the wrong things. I solely looked at my performance and would calculate if I was worth being someone. With every wrong turn and failure I consumed myself with thinking that I will never be someone. I have always put my worth into academics or work. I feel like if I do not work at least one shift a day I am not doing as much as I can. I feel like if I don’t succeed in school I am not worthy of celebration and love. About one month ago my friends started asking what I would like to do for my birthday. I would respond saying that I do not want to do anything. I would say I do not feel like doing anything this year. I wasn’t ready to be honest with them and I was scared to be honest with myself. I did not feel like I achieved as much as I wanted while being 19. I felt like I did not deserve to celebrate because I had nothing to celebrate for. When I first turned 19 I had envisioned where I would be on my 20th birthday. I envisioned getting ready for the LSATs and being surrounded by my friends having a good time. I pictured myself in my last fall semester of undergrad ready for the next step. 19 completely turned my life upside down. I lost my passion for what I once had. I had no want or motivation to allow love in a time of uncertainty. I did not know who I was anymore. It felt like I had everything and then suddenly I was surrounded by nothing. 19 is not an easy year but it is a crucial one. If I could go back to when I was freshly 19 to tell myself what my goal for next year would be, I would say I already have it. I already have exactly what I need. Growing up I always felt like I had something missing inside of me. Something that separated me from everyone else. I never felt truly seen and I never thought it would be possible that my odd quirks and personality would not just be seen but loved. I have felt at times like a sore thumb that will never be healed. Until I opened my eyes and saw the people that are in my life. I never needed to “be healed”, there was never something fundamentally wrong with me at all. When I came into my friend Haley’s apartment to see all my favorite people screaming in surprise all I could think was that this is everything that I have ever wanted. When I looked out to see my friends I never saw any flaws or any “quirks” about them. I just saw people with amazing goals and hearts that care so deeply. Truly you will always be your worst critic. You can say all of the things that you wish you could fix about yourself. None of it matters. Winning doesn’t matter. The people that feel like you never have to compete are the ones that do. The people that I cherish deeply have never expected more from me. They see me in good and bad moments and choose to love and celebrate me. Going into 20 I can confidently say that I am right where I belong. I can say that no matter what happens this year I will continue to pursue greatness while also recognizing the beauty of my path and how rich in love I already am. As I finish this up I am officially 20!! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I always appreciate it. I just want to leave by saying you never truly realize the love that is around you. You never realize that people see you more than you think. I am so excited to see what is to come. Tune in next time to MargaritaHour.