Margarita Hour

Hey guys! Welcome back to MargaritaHour! Balancing trust is a skill that I think is very hard to accomplish. Trust is the equivalent of putting your heart in others’ hands and hoping that they don’t crush it. I have been on a journey to improve myself physically and mentally for a while now but this past month I have been really diving deep into self discovery and discipline. I know that I have a very hard time trusting people. This flaw has set me back for years and I want to dive deep into the core of trust. On the surface I think I come across as very honest, which I am but in my mind I always calculate exactly how much I want a person to know about me. I know I am a “control freak” in many ways. I get very easily stressed reading between the lines and when situations or plans change. I like to see everything laid out in front of me and not have to guess what is under the table. God blessed me with really good discernment. I have always had an eye for seeing people’s true colors immediately and knowing if a situation is good or not. I have always had very vivid dreams and sometimes it feels like I wake up barely rested like I have not slept at all. I know that I have looked crazy at times because sometimes I just know something will happen but I can never explain how, I just know. For a while I lived with a positive look on my discernment. I would give the benefit of the doubt because you never really know what will happen. Time after time of being right from the start my positive outlook started to dim. As I have said in previous posts I have always been an anxious child. I overthink every little thing but I used to be able to look past the worries and try new things. Everyone says that you’re young and you will never get these years back and instead of thinking that is a good thing it just made me anxious. It made me think if I make the wrong decision then I ruin the years. I play it safe almost every time. Is it better to risk it all or do nothing and wonder? My immediate thought is to risk it all because either you make the best decision or you learn something. Then my mind starts to spiral and spiral and then the moment passes and I have done nothing. I am about to talk about something that my friends have begged me to write or post about for almost a year. I have not been able to because of many things. One, I feel embarrassed about this situation. Two, I know some reactions will be negative. Three, I don’t think I fully know how to feel about this. I am going to lead by example and risk it all right now. I have always had a battle with trust. My first relationship was genuinely the definition of “puppy love” . It was innocent and at first I had put all of my trust and eggs in one basket. At the end of it I had doubts of trust. I spent 8 months single when I got into my second relationship. I really did try my best but I was never ever fully myself in that relationship. I was vulnerable and never let myself get comfortable. I got so attached to the idea of comfortable. I wanted so badly to be healed from past experiences and to be understood. I put my trust and heart out there even though my discernment knew this was not it. So, basically this is kind of awkward but after we broke up… he got married 3 months later… to his girl best friend. Now before I get into this I just want to say there is no hate in my heart towards this girl. I hope this is everything that she has ever wanted and that she feels loved. I am not one to be dishonest so with full honesty I truly do not wish any negativity in my upcoming words towards her. Now that we have gotten that out of the way let’s get into this. Our breakup was like opening a window in a very dark humid room. The arguments and lies had really taken a toll. There were many times throughout the relationship I would find things on his phone that were in my opinion disrespectful and frankly disgusting. Moving on from this relationship was easy. I have never reminisced or missed the times we had because even the good moments had a cloud of dishonesty. The dishonesty coming from the impending doom of finding out another lie, and dishonesty on my part for not ever truly being myself. I really thought that since I was never hung up on this past relationship that it didn’t affect me. That is simply not true. Not only has it been impossible for me to open up again romantically but I even have a hard time trusting in friendships. I let people see exactly how much I want them to. It is easy for me to talk about a situation but not how I felt about it. A million thoughts run throughout my brain when I do. What if they use it against me? What if I am too much and a burden?  How do I know I can trust this person? These questions spiral through my brain, but if you notice there is one common denominator. Me and I. These hypotheticals do not have anything to do with the other person. It all leads back to me. I have no trust in myself. I am unable to use my discernment and lead with my heart and soul anymore because my own brain has clouded my ability. People say all the time; well I can’t trust because this person cheated on me or this person lied to me. Like I said in my last blog, yes, it is absolutely necessary to live with detachment. Do not live down a narrow road believing everyone has the best intentions for you, BUT this goes both ways. Not everyone is out to get you. Not everyone wants to hurt you. When you live life constantly in a state of defense you will forever believe the thoughts your overthinking brain tells you because you never allow yourself to let another person show you that your thoughts are lies. My inability to trust is the core to a lot of my problems now. I am scared to take a leap and trust God and let go of my control. I am scared to fall in love and put trust in another person. I am scared to talk to my friends about my emotions and trust they won’t leave me. I am scared of all of the unknown. Now that I have located this issue I can work to fix it. The sticky situation around this is that to get over trust issues you have to trust. Getting over the fear of trust is a hands-on situation. You got to get into the game, you can’t stay on the sidelines rewriting different plays. I think what scares me the most is that if I truly want to live my life to the full extent and let go of this fear I have to keep trying even if my trust is broken. I can not let myself give up even if I get hurt. A part of this entire process that also terrifies me is that I am not always going to be viewed how I want to be viewed. If I go out of my comfort zone in any way from dating to making a change in career I have to accept that I will not be viewed as perfect, because I might fail. I might not make it, I might have to try again and everyone will know. At the end of the day this is so scary to me but it is my life. I can not be scared of my own life. I can not stay in this safe comfortable bubble forever. I have to make experiences for the future. Trust is a big mess. It is either a mess that you have to clean up or you have fun like jumping in a muddy puddle on a rainy day. You will never know until you are there. I am ready to challenge myself. Everyone cross their fingers, say your prayers, and wish me luck. Thank you all for reading. Until next time, MargaritaHour.