Margarita Hour

Hey guys! Welcome back to MargaritaHour! I just got home from a night drive just to clear my head when all of a sudden I got inspiration for this week’s blog. I try to incorporate my current life and lessons into my blogs to make them as authentic as I can, and honestly this week might contradict things I have said in the past. I want to open by saying a phrase you guys are probably familiar with; when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Detachment is a skill that I have forgotten over the years. I have mentioned that I am an only child so that means growing up a lot of the time it was just me. Both of my parents are hard workers so I learned from a young age how to come home and take care of myself. I learned the basics of cooking, laundry, cleaning, but I also learned comfortability in being alone. This side of myself clashes with my more messy side. As I have mentioned in the past my father passed away when I was 11. I learned loss very early in life and with that came deep emotions and thinking. After this complete change in my life I felt alone in a way I was not used to. Not the feeling of being physically alone but mentally. It wasn’t about how many people were around me but how many people understood me. To be quite honest I really never felt understood until I met my best friend Jolie when I was 16 (had to give her a shoutout). Now, let me elaborate on what I meant by my “messy” side. I felt like I understood people more deeply than most of the people my age. I became “soft” in my opinion. I have had friends stab me in the back and relationships take advantage of me. I kept thinking over and over why this keeps happening to me? I feel like I do everything and I give out chance after chance because a situation is never black and white. Whenever a person would screw me over I would start analyzing why they did this. I have always been logical minded and my brain works in the way of a formula almost. I would think well they never had stable parents growing up so they don’t know how to treat a person and that’s why they did this to me. Obviously that is just an example but the key point is that I would think of the “why” behind the situation. My answer almost 99% of the time would be to forgive them and try to “fix” them. I think you guys can guess how this ended up. I kept getting too involved and getting hurt. In my brain I kept understanding but no one would understand me. You will never ever be able to fully understand a person and you will never be fully understood. It is unrealistic to think that everyone will treat you the way you treat them. They won’t and they never will. Everyone’s brain, background, and morals are different, no one is you. I have a big heart and I feel too much. I have battled thinking that it is a curse to feel this. I lacked detachment. I am a 0% or 100% kind of girl. I am never in the grey. Let me explain detachment really quickly. Detachment has a negative connotation because a lot of people confuse it with avoidance and being a cold person. Detachment is not consuming yourself with an idea or a person. It is separating emotions from reality. My mom has always told me that emotions are not reality. Emotions change, reality does not. Having a big heart is not a curse when you don’t give your all into people that do not appreciate it. Some people take and take and take and they feed off of people that they know will not leave. Do not allow yourself to become a safety net. Be a lifeboat for the people who pay to be on the boat. Be there for the people that lift you up, encourage you, have your back, but also tell you what you need to hear even when you don’t like it. I have had a lot of change in my life this past year. If you guys remember, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about things I have learned by being single for an entire year. I have gotten myself consumed with putting all my eggs in one basket. I built a narrow road for the person I want to be. It was either being a lawyer or nothing. This year I saw myself go through things I never imagined could happen. Including health problems, new environment, grief of a friend, and overall having my life flipped upside down. When summer break started and I had time away from academic pressure I thought I had to scratch the person I am and start over. This year has been equivalent to being underwater and everytime you come up for air you keep getting pushed deeper and deeper down. As I started getting into a routine of working and a lot of time to myself I realized something. I do not recognize myself anymore, I feel like I do not know who I am. Through alone time and forcing myself to be alone with my thoughts, I have begun to see what this was all for. It was never about starting from scratch and changing myself, it was about reminding myself of who I am. Detaching myself from the list I have constructed in my brain on how I need to act and what I need to achieve. I really think I am back to me and I have missed her so much. I have watered myself down to try to fit into this mold. I am a very dominant person. I know what I want. I have tried to stuff that “only child” side of myself down because I feel like years ago I was perceived as “cold” especially in my family. A man is considered hardworking and powerful for having a dominant personality. While women are supposed to be more quiet, gentle, and warm. If you are a dominant woman a lot of men will be attracted to you from afar. They like a strong confident woman but not in a relationship. Dominant women in relationships are viewed a lot of times as a bitch. Over time I would say maybe starting around 16 I tried to fight that dominance inside of me because it conflicted so hard with my heart. Instead of finding that balance of loving hard for the right people while also not being a pushover I just let the attachment come over me. I became very hard on myself about past mistakes that I forgot that I am not the only person in the world. I have done wrong, I am not perfect, but nobody is. I kept apologizing to people who, if roles were reversed, would not have a second thought about how they treated me, because again no one will ever have your same heart and brain. I poured and poured energy into sources that didn’t need it. I am done letting attachment and guilt take over my life. I have said my “sorry’s” and I have meant them but there is no going back. I have to be myself again but this time do it right. I am dominant, confident, goal-oriented, confrontational, and possessive. I am also loving, loyal, kind, funny, and comforting. There is black and white in situations. There is right and wrong. There is also who you are and what you choose to consume you. I have said my peace on this topic and I am so happy to discover myself again. I want to keep learning and growing but without losing myself along the way. I want to tell you to move with kindness, love others, be a light in people’s darkness, but also don’t let others dim your light to adjust to their lighting. If a person shows you who they are, believe them, do not excuse them. I also want to take a moment to thank God. because I have prayed and prayed for answers to all of this and honestly was not seeing his vision for this past year. Thank you God I finally am beginning to see it and I am sorry for the doubt. I appreciate you all. I appreciate your kind words and feedback. Always feel free to contact me through my contact on my home page for any feedback or blog topics. I also want to make it known if you ever relate or have something you are going through you can contact me about that also. I love my writing but I also cherish connection and if you want to talk, don’t hesitate. Thank you guys and I hope you guys tune in next time to MargaritaHour.