Margarita Hour

Our day to day conversations vary based on many things. You talk to people differently based on attraction, interest, and relationship. I posted a poll on my Instagram story of 2 topics and the majority chose how people view you differently based on your size. I have been many different sizes throughout my life. When I was really young I was stick skinny and then through puberty I was a little bit chubby. Then I went through something in my life and went back to being extremely thin, then I gained a bunch of weight. Now I am in the middle, I don’t really know. I have been thinking about how I want to approach this topic and with thinking and looking back at different parts of my life I don’t know if people treated me differently or I portrayed myself differently. When I was younger and a little bit chubby, obviously kids would say mean things. I was a very sensitive and shy child. I would just sit there and cry if someone said something to me. I was always overly anxious and even standing up in front of my class to present made me want to cry. When I was very thin I was very insecure. I never wanted to take any photos and was always in my head. I perceived that some people around me didn’t like me as much anymore. Girls didn’t really compliment me anymore and I was too insecure to talk to any guys other than getting validation. I always thought that being skinny and having a nice body would make life so much easier. In ways it does but in other ways you feel like you are never thin enough. You can have a nice body but there will always be someone with a nicer one. I was very consumed in this part of my life to be the thinnest and to be the prettiest. When you constantly chase more and more you will never feel good enough because there is no end goal. A lot of guys didn’t have any interest in me because I was very little and I lost all of my curves, which made me feel like I was not pretty enough to allow genuine love in my life. I still struggle to open myself up because how can I let someone into my world when there are so many things I could be better at. I can always look better and work on my flaws, so that I can be perfect for someone. When I gained a lot of weight I was not conventionally attractive and guys didn’t try to date me or anything. Even though I was not the beauty standard I was never more confident in my life. I felt like I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone and I could just be myself. In my eyes people liked my personality more and thought I was funnier than I am now. I felt like everyone liked being around me. I wasn’t concerned with how I looked in pictures or going out and about. I was really not worried about anything. Even though guys didn’t really come up to me I was so bold. If I wanted someone I would make it known. I wasn’t scared of rejection or people not liking me. After I lost 20 pounds and am at the body I am now, I still feel confident but I overthink everything. I feel like I always have to look my best or try my best to prove that I don’t look the way I used to. I feel like people aren’t as comfortable around me and don’t like me like they used to. This is when it gets conflicting. Do I feel like people don’t appreciate my personality like they used to because I have other things to offer or is it because I don’t feel as comfortable with myself so I don’t act like I did. I don’t go on dates or talk to anyone because the fear of rejection is so powerful now. Instead of realizing who I am now and that it’s okay if someone says no, you just move on, I feel that I am again not enough. Men do approach me more than they used to but it doesn’t matter, because now I know why. I feel that when I was bigger the people that liked me genuinely could see the person I am and now it’s hidden behind looking more attractive. I still look in the mirror sometimes and think that I look the same way I used to. It goes back to what I said earlier the more and more you focus on something the less you realize what you have now. My friend Chloe always tells me she wishes that I could see myself through her eyes. It is crazy how hard we are on ourselves because I have never looked at the people I love and wished they looked different. I see their beauty and their personality, but when it comes to myself it’s hard to realize that I am just a person like them. It’s hard to be happy and in the moment of life when you care so much how you look. It’s pointless. When I look back at different parts of my life I remember the people around me and the memories, not how I looked sitting down in a bikini. I think the process of learning to love yourself and the life around you is so hard now because you look on social media and it’s all about having the hottest partner and all of these physical things. It doesn’t matter. Getting the hottest boyfriend won’t make you happy going out and getting male validation won’t make you love yourself. The difference is just being authentically you and just living life as it comes. I want to strive to bring myself back to the thinking I had when I was bigger. In conclusion of all of this the way that people treated me in different sizes of my life didn’t make a difference. It might be great and happy for a moment but after the moment has passed all you have is your own self perception. Thank you guys for reading, reach out to me through my contact if you have topic ideas and I hope you come back for next week’s MargaritaHour.