Margarita Hour

Hey everyone this blog is going to be a little bit different because this week I do not have a topic, it’s kind of a free for all. I am just going to do this like a free writing journal entry. So the title is “I never know what I’m doing”. I don’t. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I’m clawing onto anything I have left of myself. I have felt lost this past month and I feel like I’m walking with no direction. For almost a year now I have felt out of touch with myself. Things I used to love I don’t anymore. I don’t want what I used to. I don’t know what to do. People tell you when you graduate high school that college will be the best part of your life. How? You have to decide what to do for the rest of your life while maintaining peace and the things you love at your core. I have been thinking recently of a memory from back when I was either 11 or 12. My aunt asked me what I want most in life. I told her one word. “love”. Ever since I can remember I have felt things too deeply. When I was a child I mentioned in previous blogs I was very shy and sensitive. I could never live a childhood like others. If something good or bad happened I felt it 0% or 100%. There was no living in the moment or just having a fun time for me. I get consumed with my emotions. When I was a child I was very anxious. I had nightmares a lot about bad things happening to me or my family. It felt like ever since I was born I was made for looking at the worst possible scenarios. I cared about how much money my mom would spend even if we had it. I thought about my dad having to stress to make more money. I thought about people around me dying and how little time people have. I cared about how everyone around me felt. I can’t tell you a point in my life where I did not overthink everything around me. I reached a point in my life maybe 2 years ago possibly where I decided it was better to build a wall. A wall separated me slightly from everyone around me so I didn’t have the option to drown. So I could breathe. I think back on the memory of telling my aunt all I want in life is love. The concept of love and falling in love has never been easy for me. Even when I was younger I would get a little “crush” in class and I would want nothing more than to be seen by that person. I would over analyze everything they would say and think I need to change to be the person they want. I need to be perfect before letting anyone see me. They don’t want what I have deep inside. On the outside I am determined I am funny. I want to be a lawyer and chase the big things. Recently, I haven’t wanted the big thing but I don’t know what I want. I pray at night to God asking him to wake me up in 10 years when everything is polished and in place. This level of uncertainty scares me. I want love and I want success but I close myself off. I don’t go on dates, I play the game, I chase. I want what I can’t have because it’s better to yearn than to be seen. It’s better to be viewed as this beautiful sparkling object than to look inside and see an empty hole. I got pretty good at going on with life alone and having a narrow road to what I want that I left behind what I have always wanted. The want to be understood. The want for vulnerability. It’s hard to be out in the open when the open is unknown. I would rather be alone and stress and figure out than to be viewed as a spiraling liability. I honestly don’t know how I got to this point in life. Going back to younger me. I always had a to-do list of goals I need to reach and the person I want to be. Now, it feels like my list got thrown out in spring cleaning and I am staring at a blank page. How do you start over when you feel like you should be done? I am scheduled to graduate college in May 2027 but now it feels like I need to start from scratch. My favorite thing about myself is being the best. It is an adrenaline rush to tell people I will graduate college at 20 and finish law school at 23. I love the gasps and the feeling like I am someone. Now I feel like no one. I feel like the wasted potential of a child that wanted it all. Wanted pure love that feels like holding hands even miles apart. Wanted a career that screams power when I walk into a room. Now I am 19 I don’t know if I love what I do and I don’t know if I can let anyone love me. The last time I fully let someone in was when I was 16 I fully let that person see me for who I am. I never felt like I had to prove who I was or wear makeup or be the thinnest. It was just me. Did I leave that version of myself behind when I left that person or did I think I was not good enough for who I am? As I said before I want what I can’t have, because if I get what I can’t have that just proves I am who I want to be. I used to want that person back. With thinking and a lot of self reflection ( a year’s worth) I realized I didn’t need that person I needed that love in myself. I still can’t fully be who I used to be because I feel like I am no longer me. I am no longer comfortable in myself. I need to be more. I need greatness. I spoke to my dad a few weeks ago about this and how I just felt burnt out. He told me words that I didn’t even know I needed. He said he wished he told me that success is not the most important thing in life. He told me the happiest he has ever been in life is when he goes home from work and is with my mom and talks to me. I have always looked up to my dad. He is the best. He works 12+ hours daily and he has the awards and status. I used to think he was cold because he would push me to be more. Hearing that he wishes he instilled in me that status doesn’t matter at the end of the day makes me reflect. What do I want in life? Is it being a cold powerful lawyer? Or is it being myself and having a life that makes me comfortable? As I said in the beginning this is a free for all. There is no answer. There is no answer, because I don’t know what I am doing. Maybe I will write here in a few years and I will know. For now I just want to tell you if you are young and you feel lost. You feel like all the roads are leading back to loneliness and disappointment. I understand you and I see you. It will not be like this forever and you are exactly where you need to be. I fully believe that I will get to where I need to be. I believe God has a plan and life will work out. Right now it’s hard and it’s stressful and there is nothing that will take away that despair. One day, it will be gone. Time and God heals everything. Keep going, do not give up on yourself and I will not give up on myself. Thank you for reading whatever this was. I hope you read next week. Reach out to me through the contact portion of my blog for any feedback or topic ideas. Till next time, MargaritaHour.