Margarita Hour

Hi everyone! It has been a while I have been so busy and I am so excited to be writing to you guys again!! So the end of April is a great month for many reasons, obviously there is no more school and finals, and two of my friends’ birthdays are this month. What is most interesting is that this month marks a year of me being single. There has been a lot that I have learned, and a lot that I still have questions about. My ex boyfriend and I broke up last year and it was not like a typical breakup. I really did not feel sad or miss him and was ready to get my life back. I knew that I was going to Auburn University in the fall so I felt like there was going to be a change of pace that I needed. Initially when we broke up I really did not have a goal set for how long I wanted to stay single. I just knew that the relationship did not make me happy and I wanted to simply be happy. The first month out of the relationship was rocky because I started reminiscing of times that I was happy before him and wanted so badly to be in that place again, but the truth is you can’t go back. As cliche and cringe as it is the only way is to keep going forward if you keep looking back your head will fall off. Once I moved to Auburn I experienced things that I have never experienced. Living with new people, college night life, not knowing anyone in my classes, and much more. It was all new to me. I graduated from a very small private school where everyone knew everyone and it was hard to adjust to finding new people.  At first I did not want a relationship because I was learning all these new things good and bad and I just felt that I could not fit anyone else in to my schedule. I casually talked to people but I am not a surface level person so little small talk was just not interesting to me. My friend Chloe tried to get me to talk to some guys she knew and things like that and the thought of that genuinely gave me a panic attack. After a while I started getting more open and even tried a dating app just for fun. I had really no intention of dating anyone but I thought maybe I could just test the waters. I got bored and deleted it literally 4 days later… The thing about this breakup that is so different from my previous breakup is that I was so uninterested in men. When my first boyfriend and I broke up I immediately felt like I needed to fill that void with another man and I immediately threw myself back out there. With this one it was the complete opposite. I honestly started dating my last boyfriend out of pure boredom and just wanting to have someone. That mistake led to my biggest lesson out of this time. Wait for someone who improves you, not just comforts you. We all have times when we feel alone but an instant relief leads to problems down the road. There is a lot I want to do in life and right now I am not interested in casually dating when there is so much left to explore in trial and error. One of the main things I look for in a partner is ambition. I have high goals and I would like the person I am with to have expectations for themselves. What I have learned from dating two completely different people is that if a man does not have respect for his future, there is no room for you in it. I have learned so much about myself; like that I am not a person that immediately when I wake up wants to call and say goodmorning like I used to when I was younger. I prefer to get myself together and spend that intimate time with myself before going on my phone (which I am still trying to improve). Another thing that I learned is that not everyone is going to act the way that you want them too. This is something my dad has said to be since I was little that I would roll my eyes at (lol sorry dad I know that you’re reading this). I like to think I am pretty open minded but when it comes to close relationships I know that I can be stubborn. Spending this year being around my friends and occasionally their partners has shown me how different everyone’s perspective of love and relationship is. When you jump into talking to someone or dating someone you never know what their perspective of relationships will be. I think in the past I just thought that everyone thinks the way I think and if not then we will find a middle ground. In a way I still agree that obviously in every relationship there will be compromise but there are some things that HAVE to be aligned. I have learned what works for me and what absolutely doesn’t and it’s okay to try to find something else that does. Lastly, my favorite lesson goes back to the beginning where I said I started living with new people. This past school year I have really grown a beautiful friendship with my roommate Maddie. This friendship is so different from my other ones because we live together and we have truly seen each other at our best and our worst. Something this taught me is that the people who surround you will either build you up or build you down. Maddie has genuinely seen me dance because I am so happy… but also she has seen me crying in my clothes hamper.. on top of my dirty laundry. Throughout all those memories I have never not felt like I belonged or I am “too much” or have to “perform”. I used to jump into things thinking I have to restrain how I am because sometimes my emotions are either 0 or 100. Now I know that it is not about putting on a mask or trying to be some type of way it is about acceptance. Whenever I feel ready to date again I want to accept that person for everything and I want to allow myself to be open and feel like I belong without terms and conditions. Truly, and I mean this with everything in my soul the friendships you hold around you will show you what love is before you even get out into romantic love. It is so beautiful but also reflective because you can decide what type of people or person works for you, and things you need to improve on before putting someone’s heart in your hands. Overall, this has been a crazy year in my life and one I will definitely never forget. I still am not at that place where I want to be fully out there, but I feel more in touch with myself and have grown so much closer to friends. I am so excited for what is to come even if it does scare me a little (a lot). I am even more excited to write to you guys again soon. I hope you enjoyed this and maybe you related or you have learned other things in your own single journey. Write to me in the contact box on my website. I would love to hear your feedback and maybe even ideas for what you would like me to write about. Thank you for being here, and I hope you tune in for the next MargaritaHour.