Margarita Hour

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I have a journal that I write in once a week and that is one of the questions it asks me. Where do I see myself in 5 years? It has always been easy for me to answer this. In 5 years I will be 24 I want to have my Bachelors degree and be graduated from law school and hopefully moved out of Alabama. Easy. Not anymore. I have been to Italy two times both times it has been beautiful to say the least. This past time revolutionary. I am writing this in my notes app on the airplane ride home. “Nikes” by Frank Ocean is playing in my ears. I paused “Sleepless in Seattle” to write this because I felt uneasy. Not because I am scared of the flight because I am scared I got it all wrong. My time in Italy was spent with a lot of quiet observant moments. I got to people watch and have an eye into the lives of people in another culture. My last morning I went to a cafe alone at 9am and had a cappuccino. I planned to look through the landscape photos I took on my camera but instead I just thought and thought and thought. In  front of me were two older women. I could only infer that they were the bestest of friends. They were laughing and talked with no stopping not even to eat their breakfast. The waitress at the cafe took a short break and sat at the table with the ladies to chat. Every place you go in Italy you notice that the people are not in a rush. They sit at their table with loved ones or alone and take in the moment. They eat slow. Service is slow. Not in a bad way at all. Service does not have to be fast the way it is in America because the people aren’t just checking off “morning coffee” on their to-do lists. They are enjoying. They are living. Which brings me to the title of this little article. Before I left to go to the cafe I went out on the balcony in the place my family was staying out. I noticed a man and a woman on a balcony of an apartment diagonal from me. It was around 8:30am and it looked like they were getting ready for work. The man was putting on his shoes and his wife (I assume) was drinking her coffee and smiling and talking to him. He was slowly putting on his shoes and after he was done he didn’t run out the door. He stayed there and hugged her and talked to her they looked over their balcony together at everything around them. But to me they were the only two people on the world. I started to imagine to myself that this is their life everyday. They wake up happy to be next to the person they love and not anxious and overwhelmed by the tasks of the day. As I walked to the cafe I could not get this image out of my head. I saw the married couple on the balcony at every restaurant table. Just people not on their phones not rushing to work or to the “next thing”. Just two people living and loving together. It has always been the “next thing” for me. I am constantly thinking about what to do to be better, win, accomplish more. There is no balcony moment in my life. Now I am not talking about romantic love, yes I am single but it is not about that. I do not envy the couple because they are in love I envy them because they are truly living. I love to bring up my accomplishments and get some kind of praise because I believe it will satisfy me. If that were true the first “good for you” or “that is impressive” would have been enough. No amount of success satisfies me like I imagined it would. I got my associates degree at 18 years old. It didn’t matter. It made me happy for 10 minutes then it was okay let me get back to my summer classes so I can graduate with my Bachelor’s at 20. I can imagine when I get that diploma I will be thinking that I need to graduate law school early. Then when I do that I will think I have to be the best renowned lawyer. It will not matter. I think back to past relationships especially. I am competitive in every aspect of life. If I feel unappreciated I have to find a way to noticed again.. good or bad. I can not be seen as weak because I feel I will get forgotten like yesterdays news, Why? Our culture as Americans is all one word “hurry”. The whole propaganda of work culture. Wake up at 5. Rush to work. Eat breakfast in 5 minutes. Do more. Spend maybe 3 hours a week with the people you love. Oh you didn’t do enough now you go home stressed thinking about how you have to be better at work tomorrow. Losing a loved one, you take a week off work and keep going. No time to feel because emotions don’t have a place in a career. Aside from work the pressure to find your “soulmate” I am 19 and people ask me why I am not dating. Because if you’re not dating at 19 you won’t be married at 21 and have kids at 23. It is always the “next thing”. I just have one question. Where do you see yourself content and happy in 5 years? In what part of the “next thing” will you achieve happiness? Or will you always want more. This is my first entry in my blog and I feel it is layered but necessary to think about. I am positive that italian people have their own struggles and worries, it is apart of life. I believe the difference is they choose to not suffocate themselves with these worries. They put down their phones to connect, they set aside work to love, they live not exist. So my answer to this week’s “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Waking up going to get my coffee and enjoying everyone and everything in my life. Wasting nothing and experiencing everything.